Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals by Jeffery Self

Author:Jeffery Self [Self, Jeffery]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780762448982
Publisher: Running Press
Published: 2013-05-07T00:00:00+00:00

How Heterosexuals Reproduce

One of the unique qualities of Heterosexuals is their ability to reproduce by simply forgetting to wear a condom, forgetting to take a birth control pill, or simply going out to dinner with Jon Gosselin. Or, of course, in many cases, by mutually deciding that it’s time to start a family with their opposite-sex partner.

The Heterosexual reproduction process is a truly amazing thing that takes nine months to happen. Here’s how it works.

First, you need two Heterosexuals, or one Heterosexual Female and a very, very, very drunk gay guy. Sometimes, these two Heterosexuals love each other (as in the case of your newly married friends), and other times they have just met while watching the Lakers game at the Pig and Whistle bar I discovered earlier. Whether they’re in love or not, if the Heterosexuals have unprotected Heterosexual intercourse,* they will likely create a baby. Heterosexual intercourse can take upwards of an hour or sometimes only a few minutes if the Heterosexual Male hasn’t had a lot of action lately.

Once the seed has been planted in the egg (see, I’d look like an idiot trying to explain that), the two things combine to form a new cell called a blastocyst, which, despite how it sounds, is not a racial slur. This blastocyst begins traveling through the fallopian tubes (this shit is crazy, right?!) toward the uterus, which takes roughly three days, which is kind of ridiculous when you realize that you can drive from Georgia to California in a matter of three days. Sure, you’d be doing a lot of driving and it’s best to take shifts with a friend so you don’t fall asleep at the wheel, and if you make it more like a week you get to stop in historical places like the Alamo or the World’s Biggest Ball of Yarn. I know a guy who watched all the seasons of Damages in just three days. And by guy, I mean me. However, three days is the amount of time it takes to get that blasted blastocyst through those fallopian tubes and into the spacious uterus.

Once Mr. (or Ms.) Blastocyst gets to the uterus, it attaches itself onto the walls of the uterus, the way you might attach a poster of Selena Gomez to your wall if you’re a teenage boy or a weird lesbian. The uterus is basically a hotel, like a really nice, comfortable hotel. Not five stars by any means, but maybe three? OK, two stars, depending on the uterus. And it’s not all that spacious, either, unless you’re looking at it by New York City hotel room standards, in which case it’s huge. The view is shit, literally, but it’s comfortable and the blastocyst doesn’t mind staying there for roughly nine months. Once attached to the walls of this Sheraton Inn & Suites (a.k.a. the uterus), the blastocyst starts to develop into an embryo, and after four weeks it’s roughly the size of a poppy seed. A poppy seed is very specific, not a sunflower seed, not a flaxseed, but a poppy seed.

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